TEST DRIVE

[calloperators]

> Hello, you have reached the 1-800-HOTLINE Test Drive. We are currently unable to take your call. Whilst we put you on hold, feel free to play around for a while...

***

Waking up
Where the hell were you last night? Maybe waking up in an unfamiliar bed with a blacked-out memory isn't so unusual for you, but that buzzing in your head is. The phone beside you rings with a 7:00 AM wake-up call, and a message left behind:

Go downstairs, to the lobby. Meet the others. Don't get attached, and don't mention this call.

The AC is busted and in this hot summer, you probably won't want to stay in your room forever.

What's new, Pussycat?
Of course, there's much more around here than just the motel. Stepping out and hitting the town will give you plenty to do. There's stores aplenty, but that's nothing to say of the good residents of the stores; your friendly neighborhood bodega cats. They're content to laze around the aisles, though the more playful sorts may swat at your wayward accessories as you pass by.

Don't mind that they seem to disappear - and reappear - with a blink. That's just something cats can do.

Hungry?
Of course you are! There's plenty of places to eat here, but why go to some no-name joint when you can go to McDonalds? They've got burgers, they've got fries, they've got McPizza, and they even have a playplace! ...Though you're probably too old for the ball pit.

Regardless of what you order, if you even order, the cashier presses a small toy into the palm of your hand. Don't you feel a pair of tiny eyes on you?

McMurder
For fuck's sake, someone only went and killed a guy in the McDonald's parking lot. Maybe his head is smashed in under that chicken mask, or maybe you'll want to check? You could do the right thing and work out who did this, or you could make off with his baseball bat. The choice is yours.


Night life
What good's a city that goes to sleep? When the sun goes down, the lights go up. The city becomes aglow with every colour of the neon rainbow, with bowling alleys, nightclubs, karaoke bars, arcades and soon-to-be-extinct roller discos competing for your attention until the sun comes up. You're here, there's no curfew, it's time to make the most of it.

Wildcard
Have something else in mind? Go wild, and party like it's 1989.

Comments

[blutsauger]

[Hopefully Egon doesn't mind blood all over this shit, because Medic just digs right in. He's looking for anything sharp and anything that could be used as a makeshift handle.]

Unfortunately, I'm not seeing a flux capacitor in here- and I'm unsure what an ectoplasmic sensor would look like. I'm afraid I don't deal in the paranormal frequently, at least not outside of Halloween. And even then- the ghosts are very obvious. I don't need a sensor to locate the irate dead man in a Gibus.

Oh, to chop this man into parts, of course!

[: D]

[pkemeter]

Well, if you hook up an electromagnetism detector and configure it to detect the ionization rate of ectoplasm, you can easily convert it to detect psychokinetic entities of any form.

[Egon...sort of frowns at the blood, but otherwise doesn't comment. It can be cleaned off.]

You deal with ghosts as well, then? Interesting. Have you ever taken the chance to study their impact on your environment?

[He tilts his head to the side, then picks up the bike chain from the box.]

If you intend to dismember somebody, this would do the job if spun at a high RPM and applied to the intended body part. That is, if you don't mind some torn muscle and skin.

[blutsauger]

Ah, only once a year. I'm far from an expert on all things spiritual and magic, ja? But a decade of yearly encounters with an ancient magician and their, ah, friends- you learn a bit from experience.

[He takes the chain reverently, his eyes gleaming with delight.]

I would prefer a clean cut, but this can do in a pinch! I can always cut off the torn ends later, once I have the body off the pavement and safely in my room. Ah, though, how high of an RPM? Is it possible with manpower only, or would it need to be done mechanically? I'm afraid this is a weapon I have little experience in.

[pkemeter]

Oh? I once encountered a powerful magician, myself. He once attempted to kill my partners and I and steal our client's baby. [He sniffs.] He was overly dramatic and his plans were highly ineffective, as most magicians are.

Well, with enough friction and time, I'm sure you know that it could eventually dig through with only manpower.

[He digs out a slightly dented power drill and holds down the trigger. The bit spins and whirrs, clicking and stuttering ominously. His glasses gleam in the bask of neon light.] Or, you could rig up a drill to create a sideways spinning blade reminiscent of a chainsaw.

[He states that like a casual fact, as if he were talking about the weather.]

[blutsauger]

Oh, I know, right? Magicians are so focused on theatrics and so foolish about their plans. Merasmus keeps taking out loans with various mafias to fuel their plans, then involves us after things go awry.

Like the year they made a blood sacrifice carnival to summon the ancient Sumerian circus clown god, Bonzo. But they didn't even build it on a burial ground! Ha! So we all had to fight to the death in the carny.

[And then he just. Stares at the drill, and at Egon. Somehow, that grin just keeps getting wider, and its starting to get really uncanny.]

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful, my friend, I love the way you think.

[pkemeter]

Interesting. I've never heard of that Sumerian god, before. Nor do I believe that Sumerians had carnivals. [He frowns lightly.] Still, I suppose no summoning is better than having a giant clown bring about the apocalypse. We had a Sumerian god attempt to destroy New York City by turning into a large marshmallow mascot.

[Oh boy, praise and approval regarding his intellect! He straightens up a bit, eyes gleaming with excitement. At no point does it occur to him that he may be helping a murderer get away with crimes.]

What are we waiting for, then? Bring me to the body and we'll begin working immediately. [A pause.] You wouldn't happen to have a spare set of scrubs on hand, would you?

[blutsauger]

[Medic shrugs, unconcerned.] Probably mentioned only in an ancient text deemed too horrible for mankind to read, sheltered away from the masses and only read by those found worthy of learning the truth of a hidden god. Until Merasmus stumbled across him, I guess.

Scrubs? Ha! Oh, that's funny.

[Laughing quietly to himself, Medic leads Egon to the body, gesturing excitedly at the cooling corpse.]

Here he is! A beautiful specimen, ja?

[pkemeter]

[Egon blinks. He doesn't really understand what was funny about that comment, but he'll follow along anywa--oh. Right. This body.

His expression is unreadable as he stares down at the corpse. Then again, his expression is the same as it usually is. There's a brief pause before he comments--]

It's certainly dead.

[He carefully kneels down a safe distance away from the corpse and begins to dismantle the drill, careful to place the small parts in the box itself.]

You know, the last time I did anything like this was when one of my partners and I attempted to resurrect the dead while teaching at a university.

[A thought occurs to him, and pauses in his work to look up sharply at Medic.]

You're not the one responsible for his death, are you?

[blutsauger]

[And suddenly, Medic is uncomfortably close to Egon's face as he kneels right beside him, grinning ear to ear.]

Resurrect the dead, you say?

Now that is my area of expertise. Do you mind explaining your methods?

... Ah, no. [He waves his hand dismissively at that.] Bludgeoning is not my method of choice. Absolutely ruins the skull, for one. How can you make use of a severed head if the head is a caved-in shell of its former self, I ask you?

[pkemeter]

[....Alright, that's a bit too close for Spengler's comfort. The only people he's comfortable with invading his personal bubble are his partners. He gives Medic a wary side-eye before carefully repositioning himself a few inches away.]

Well, after viewing a horror film, we set out to demonstrate the correct way to resurrect the dead. We consulted such books such as the Necronomicon, though we applied our own theories on latent post-mortem psychokinetic brain activity. [He hesitates.] Unfortunately, we were never actually able to test our theories.

[He continues to dismantle the drill, pausing to pull the bit out and clean it of debris.]

...Though, I can't imagine why you'd need the severed head of a deceased man, unless you intended to incite his ghost.

[blutsauger]

Intriguing. Personally, I never needed to consult any notes other than my own, let alone the Necronomicon. A great deal of tests over the years eventually led me to the right outcomes! And from there, it was not difficult to design our team's respawn technology, alongside my friend the Engineer.

Oh, you'd be surprised of the uses one can get out of a severed head, my friend. I once kept the living head of one of my teammates' clones in my fridge for several weeks, until my teammate began to complain about it being [Airquotes] "weird".

And not even the whole head is necessary! The brain is more than enough. But too easily damaged by bludgeoning.